The real reason I chose a birth center

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It took me a year, but I think I am finally able to be honest with myself about why I wanted to have my baby at a birth center.  I didn't chose a birth center because I thought it was safer. Or because I was scared of the hospital. Or because I think natural birth is better than medicated birth. I went to a birth center because I was lonely and I wanted to meet people.  That's the truth. Let me explain.

My husband and I moved to Lansing a little over a year ago from another town in Michigan. We got pregnant and had our first trimester of care out of state. When we came home I felt anxious to start building my social "nest" - surrounding myself with people that would support me through the rest of my pregnancy and into parenthood. With all of my friends and family out of town (and out of state) and no local network of colleagues or acquaintances since I work from home, I felt terribly isolated. The way I saw it, I had about twenty weeks to build a social hub for myself and my baby. How could I do it?

Then I landed on the perfect answer: I could have my baby at the local birth center - Greenhouse Birth Center! Plugging into that community of midwives and families seemed to be the fastest and easiest way to gather support for my motherhood journey. I felt that if I had a hospital birth, I would miss out on a one-time chance to forge meaningful, long-lasting friendships . . . the kind of relationships that build up around powerful, shared life events (like birth). Have you ever heard a woman talk about her hospital "community?" Me neither.

Through our pre-natal care, I did feel that I was building close relationships with the midwives. We talked for hours over the course of our pre-natal visits. They asked me about my Thanksgiving dinner. They met my mom when she was in town. They gave me hugs. We laughed, we cried . . . I figured we were well on our way to being buddies. I didn't have as much interaction with other moms as I had hoped (our birth class was really small) but I figured that would come after our son was born with Mommy & Me classes, breastfeeding support, etc. All in all, I felt very comfortable and welcome at the birth center and that was just what I needed . . . a place to go where everybody knew my name. As my due date approached I felt very confident. Not only was I healthy but I trusted that the close relationships I had been forging with my caregivers over the last 20 weeks would come in super handy during labor. I imagined that the midwives would know exactly what to do and say to help me. I also felt certain that they would support me if and when I needed additional help or asked to go to the hospital. Through all of this, it never occurred to me that we would have anything less than a stellar labor/delivery at Greenhouse Birth Center. After all, I had only ever heard positive things!

Unfortunately, I did not end up having a great experience. I had a frustrating labor and a sloppy hospital transfer. I asked questions during labor and got blank looks. The midwives told me I was completely dilated and encouraged me to push when it was too early. They stalled when I asked to go to the hospital after pushing for three hours then told me that, if I went, I would probably have an emergency c-section (which I didn't). We arrived at the hospital and spent the next 30 minutes answering basic health questions and filling out insurance forms, since we weren't pre-registered. Our midwife came with us but did nothing to assist in the transfer of care. We felt like people off the street. All in all, the midwives were passive and at times downright unprofessional during the time when I most needed guidance and support.  Happily, our care at the hospital was excellent and our son was born healthy. But my carefully laid plans for having the birth center as my social hub post-partem had gone right out the window.

I didn't feel like continuing relationships with the people who had disappointed me. I also felt embarrassed about "failing" and going to the hospital - how could I face other birth center moms with my story? I felt confused and insecure. Those feelings all persist but now, more than anything else, I feel angry at myself for making such an important decision based on my emotional needs. By placing such high value on my social "birth experience" as a woman and a mom, I actually jeopardized what was really important: the health and wellness of our baby. I will always regret that.

I wanted to write this post because I don't think my mindset in choosing an out-of-hospital birth was unique. After all, it seems that most couples these days are raising children far away from their support network of parents, siblings, relatives and friends. Unfortunately, the people that matter most to us - the people we want around during challenging times - are often scattered far and wide. For women, I think this distance is especially difficult during the childbearing year. I know it was for me. But I learned that no matter how lonesome you feel and no matter how much you crave a place to belong, it isn't appropriate to make important decisions about health care based on emotions. I won't be making that mistake twice.